I want to preface this by saying that if you are reading this and are plus-size, I think everyone is beautiful in their own way. If you are confident and comfortable in your own skin, I admire you. I do not want to offend anyone but I also promised myself that I would always be honest.
I don't want to be plus size.
Not because of the stigma attached. Not because I have difficulty getting dates. Not because you can't be big and beautiful.
I am not comfortable with myself. It is a health thing. It is a "I don't like what I see in the mirror".
I am curvy, we've gone over this. So, no matter what I do, I will never be a size 0 (and honestly I don't want that either).
I have not always been plus size. But I took that time in my life for granted and now my perspective has changed.
I was a size 6-8 in high school/college. I hovered around 140-150lbs. However, I was ashamed. Somehow I thought that I was always going to be a "big girl". I thought things didn't look good on me. I thought that the guys only wanted the twigs.
Boy, was I wrong on so many levels.
Now that I am 80lbs heavier than that....I want to go back to those days. Hit my 17 year old self over the head and go "STOP! You are awesome the way you are!" and say "Try to keep yourself healthy and in shape, because you won't get those habits, and it will creep up on you".
My negative thought about myself has only made it harder to lose this weight. But, I think I am finally ready to make the proper changes in diet and exercise because I want it so bad I can freaking taste it.
It won't be easy, but damn if it won't be worth it.
Now that my goals are changed. No longer am I trying to lose weight to get the boys. No longer am I trying to lose weight so I can be the skinniest in the room. No longer am I hating myself.
Do I dislike my weight? Absolutely. Do I think that my weight overshadows all my positive physical qualities? Yes, on some level. Do I have some work to do with my own self-image? Sure, but who doesn't?
Here is what I do like about myself:
my bright blue-green eyes: they are unique and my dark hair in contrast makes them stand out.
my boobs: because right now they are all sorts of unruly, but at a smaller weight, they are pretty fantastic.
my strength: I am physically strong and my renewed working out has reminded me that I can out-do some guys when it comes to lifting weights.
my healthy, shiny, long brown hair: I know it's pretty, and I finally know how to manage it.
my olive-toned skin: I don't have to tan in the winter and a few days in the sun gives me that healthy glow (even after wearing suntan lotion!)
my hips and ass: so they are bigger. so what that my ass will never fit in a size 2 jean. who cares? I look like a woman. when I was thinner, I hated my curves but I didn't know better. Now I know better.
my slim hands and perfect nails: someone once suggested I be a hand model haha. a good manicure is always in order :)
Okay- so I am not the most egotistical person in the world. I am not full of myself. Sometimes I need remind myself of what I DO like about myself because when I look in the mirror all I see is the weight. But, I am working on it. From the inside and the outside. I have grown in so many ways in the past 6 months. It is a journey with ups and downs and it's only just getting started.
What do you like about yourself?